also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
