you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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