I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
