if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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