This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
this will be a night to untag.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
