I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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