Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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