A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
