Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
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My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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