I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
