Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
