Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
