oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
