Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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