Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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