you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
