So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
