not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
