Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
