Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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