I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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