I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
