in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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