my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
