I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
