Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
