You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
