My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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