So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
