Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This toilet bowl is my home.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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