yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
