During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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