I am midnight drunk by noon
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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