These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
