You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need to calm my uterus...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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