I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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