why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
