I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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