I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
