Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
