toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
