Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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