I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
