I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
