Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
