When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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