I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
