ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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