Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
