I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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