Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
