last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
