chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
