I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
