ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
