I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How does it feel to date your dad?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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