Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
