Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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