i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
