I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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