I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
