I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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